It’s my first Christmas as a mom, and I’ve been experiencing a whole slew of emotions, hopes, realizations, and joys lately–some old, some new. Of course, the excitement of crowds and flashy sales and decorated storefronts is ever present, and accentuated since we live in town and can hear holiday music and silver bells from the street below us. It’s so fun and festive! Shopping for presents and wrapping them, sending (and receiving, yay) cards, smelling our tree, and eating lots of cookies… all good stuff. During this time of year, family and friends also return home for the holidays and it’s wonderful being reunited with loved ones. This year, we have the special joy of introducing James to many people for the first time!
That’s good and all… but there’s more. I’ve noticed that this year, now that I have a baby, relationship dynamics have changed. Specifically, it’s much harder for me to hang out with people because I can’t get up and go on a moment’s notice. And, there are a number of things I simply can’t do with a baby, like stay out late. James gets sleepy around 7:30pm and we have to be home for his bath/bedtime routine, which means cutting out early on family dinners and missing holiday parties/concerts. During the day, I also try to work around James’ naptimes (twice a day) and feeding schedule (every 3 hours!). (By the way I’m NOT complaining and don’t mean to give off a self-pity vibe! I’m just being honest and matter-of-fact when I say things have changed.) Having James has required us to tweak our lifestyle and make sacrifices… which I’m totally OK with because the joy of having him is so much greater and worthwhile.
But back to the point, this change in lifestyle and dynamic with friends and family has become more apparent (to me) this time of year. Surrounded by Christmas festivities/invitations/commotion, I am more aware of how simple, quiet, and solitary my moments at home with the baby are. There’s a stark contrast between what’s happening at the mall and what’s happening in my living room. Christmas outside and Christmas inside our home. What Christmas has become today and what Christmas might really have been like 2,000 years ago. I feel like being a mom has given me a new connection to the Christmas story this year.
I imagine that Mary and Joseph’s lives were pretty simple and solitary on the night Jesus was born. No music, no presents, no crowds, no festivities. They probably felt quite alone and overwhelmed (after all, they were in a different town, literally alone, in a stable, not married, and so young!), yet full of joy and awe, too. At least these are some of the emotions I felt when James was born, and still feel today. Alone in the sense that I am this child’s mother, and no other human will love him with the same intensity as I do. That no one will know him as well or feel the weight of raising him more than I (and his father!) will. Overwhelmed by what a privilege and responsibility that is, as well as by how unprepared I felt/feel—oh, if only babies came with an instruction manual! Awestruck at the process of physical labor and the miracle of new life. Joy at the hope and purity of a newborn babe swaddled and sleeping. There is a heaviness, quietness, humility, and faith that arises when a baby is born. There is a time for loud & joyous celebration, like the way we celebrate today, but I imagine that before the crowd and music arrived, Mary and Joseph also shared a calm, silent night just staring at baby Jesus and soaking it all in.
All that to say… this year is a quiet year for me, and I can understand why Mary “treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” Luke 2:19
Whether you are having a loud & festive year or a quiet & solitary one, Merry Christmas and God bless you! And of course Happy Birthday, Jesus—the reason for the season!
