I didn’t see it coming. Like a bruise you don’t even know you have until someone tells you, pokes it, pokes it harder, then pain goes shooting all throughout your body. Out of nowhere, this pain which you can’t ignore anymore because now you’ve seen it, it’s purple, it’s right there, and it hurts. It legitimately hurts.
Last week I received a stack of pictures in the mail. Pictures of kids who grow up in garbage dumps, suffer malaria and worms, whose parents make 36 cents a day, and who consider food and health care a luxury. Basic nutrition, a luxury!! The images were an ever-so-slight poke. I don’t think I even felt it, really, but I could see the bruise. And I didn’t know what to do. I just knew I couldn’t toss the pictures in the recycle bin like it had never happened. Because now I had seen it, it’s purple, it’s right there.
But as with bruises, you try not to focus on it, right? There’s work to do, errands to run, meals to cook. On Thursday, we headed to our weekly Bible study with light moods and a pot of meatballs. The usual laughter and good company filled the room, and all was going well until the suggestion of a pollyanna gift exchange came up. The poke was harder and started to hurt this time. With images of children in my head, the thought of everyone spending ten dollars to buy a gift for the sake of buying a gift, was unbearable to me. Individually, the amount seems trivial, but collectively, it adds up. And thirty dollars is all the letter asked for to feed a family, who would otherwise go hungry, for a month. But us, we’d rather buy fancy soap, a starbucks gift card, perhaps a picture frame… because it’s fun to exchange gifts. I didn’t think it was a wise way to use our money. I don’t know what snapped in me, but I just about lost it!
I could feel the unpopularity of my opinion rising the way you feel rain clouds approaching… it makes you want to run the other direction and slip into bed. I didn’t want to be the grinch/scrooge that ruined the gift exchange. Yes, I like giving and receiving presents too. But I still couldn’t shake the thought of the children. Why was I taking it so seriously?? In that moment, I wished I could stop feeling. To be normal, like everyone else, who didn’t read so much into a silly game. Instead, I couldn’t understand why no one else could see it from my perspective.
A couple days later, tears shed and sessions of therapy with my husband and parents under my belt, I have started accepting that life is about balance. (You remember my all-or-nothing entry, right?) There is a time and place for giving, and a time and place to spend. I am not advocating pinching pennies, living a bohemian lifestyle and donating your savings to charity. I go out to eat and watch movies, too. But I also believe in spending wisely. Asking yourself is it a need or a want? And I would ask anyone who reads this to also consider those less fortunate than you. Give a lot to others. Do things that matter.
So now you know… my heart has been heavy lately. I had a bruise I didn’t know about, and it hurts. Legitimately. But if we end up doing a gift exchange, I think I will be okay. Eric started calling me “champion of the little people”, which I half chuckle at, half shrug off, but half like and hope is true. I questioned whether I should even share an entry like this, but decided that 1) if I can motivate even one person to sponsor a child, give to a good cause, stop grumbling for a moment to realize how good we’ve got it, or simply say a prayer for the less fortunate, then this hour of mine was well-spent. And 2) my mother reminds me every so often that life ain’t always rosy. From reading my blog, though, you wouldn’t get that, because I tend to write about good times, pretty pictures, happy occasions… the things I want to remember. So I guess this entry is kind of a reality check for me & my web friends. That this world–this life–is not rosy. It’s purple, it’s right there, and it hurts. But this bruise is not one that will go away… there are people suffering everywhere, all the time. Let’s do our part to help others in need, whether it be your friend, neighbor, or a complete stranger.
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” –Matthew 19:14